10 Things I've Learned Of Not Being In A Relationship





In my own point of view, relationship doesn't entirely mean you're dating someone or you're an item. It can be established with somebody by just staying constantly connected despite not in a committed, intimate level of relationship.

Relationship means mutual respect, trust and understanding. A state where you could establish a unique bond and connection, being comfortable with each other. A situation where you could feel like home and at peace.

And just because I have never been into a romantic relationship does not mean I couldn't figure out what's going on in that aspect and all those things lovers can feel. I might not have an actual experience in romance but rest assured, I'm a completely normal human being who could also feel hurt when rejected and manifest emotion when being drawn by love.

Well, whatever love means.


I try not to get affected with the society's norm of equating singlehood to loneliness and try to just live my life according to how I should live it. I've long been disgusted with society's pressure on pushing everyone to snag someone. It's quite absurd. I don't believe that happiness can be found elsewhere nor can be guaranteed by another person. It's a personal affair. And comes from within.

Happiness is just within ourselves. It depends on our mindset. I mean, life can be hard to anyone. Everyone has highs and lows even those in a relationship. No one spared with loneliness.


I haven't cultivated friendships with the opposite sex in my life. I dreaded boys while growing up and haven't talked to their kinds until I finished college. Even after school, I developed this fear and hesitation of getting near with men. I never initiated a conversation with boys before, until recently.

I lived a double life for these circumstances. Half of me says this is the best decision I have ever made, I can fulfill my covenant with God to stay unattached until I could meet the one He will give me. But half of me wonders what it would feel like being with someone, being in a romantic relationship, being able to take care and be cared of, being sweet, planning dates, giving presents, posting cute couple snaps in instagram.


But despite having no attachment to anyone, I could feel love from a distance. I mean the kind of love so naturally flowing it sinks to the bones for being so sublime. Only that it is unrequited. But isn't love is selfless and freely given without expecting something in return?

I'm not certain if I'm talking about altruistic love, intimacy or romance but it's always the kind of love that makes the day brighter and rosier, the kind of love that is so devoted and loyal. But on the other hand, it is also the kind of love that when not reciprocated, makes the world turns upside down.

It's within this premise that I can say I've learned a lot. Though I'm unsure if it leaps beyond the parameter of being brokenhearted. But its sting pierced on my skin like needles.


I believe that circumstances allowed everything to happen to prepare me for the real battle someday. Yes, someday. Although I'm already feed up with this long waiting game. But it's also through this situation that I understand the value of waiting.

So what have I learned despite never  been into a relationship? Here are 10 things I can tell you:

1. If someone likes you, he will make things happen. No buts. No what ifs. No excuses. 

I have read the book, He's Just Not That Into You and even posted related articles in my blog twice (Read related story here). And it gives me a kick in the gut. All those warnings hit me in the face. First warning is, don't overthink! If a guy likes you nothing in this world can stop himself from doing so. If he's not into you nothing can make him pretend. Don't believe when he says he's not ready yet, he's busy or no time for relationships. Those are just excuses of telling you "you are not the one". And if he will meet someone who will rock his world. You're history.

2. Stop Wondering If He Likes You.

If he doesn't show it. It's a confirmation. Don't look for something else or any other explanation, the action speaks for itself. Don't be hard on yourself. Just simply understand it that if a guy does not like you, no amount of daily conversation can change his mind. If he keeps searching for a woman that meets his criteria, it means he never thinks you fit on his qualifications. Men are spontaneous creatures. They never pretend. If a man likes you, he will. And will do anything to invite you into his world. If he does not. He will reveal it through his action. Respect his choice. Save yourself from heartaches. Never get too attached.

3. How a loving relationship differs from a mentally and emotionally abusive relationship.

I have read numerous relationship books to understand it better and I have learned that a loving relationship is where you can feel at home. It's a state where the two of you make it a beautiful place, taking care of each other, respecting each other, protecting each other, making it a point to never hurt one's feeling. A situation where you would never feel unwanted or undesirable or betrayed.

4. Love isn't enough for a relationship to survive. Trust and respect would.

Trust, loyalty, sense of commitment and respect keep a relationship going, and last. Love is not enough to fuel the momentum. Because love is like a force of nature, it does not have its own direction nor its own rudder, it's a force that depends its direction to the holder of its emotions. If the holder turns and changes its course, love breaks down and tears into pieces. But trust and respect molded one's core being, it deeply rooted from the subconscious that will guide one's logic and emotions. Trust and respect become everyone's balance in life and relationship. It makes everything runs into a good direction.

5.  Communication, loyalty and honesty are barometers of successful relationships. 

Not even religion or overflowing love can solidify a relationship and make it survive through the test of time. According to many relationship books, differences in life's aspects including religion, education, wealth, age, height and career accomplishment don't matter in the long run, because those are outside the perimeter of intimacy. And do not usually dictate how two persons relate and interact with each other. Those are outside forces that don't directly influence our emotions toward someone. And do not determine the success of relationships.

But communication, loyalty and honesty are manifestations that directly affect our daily behavior towards someone, thus, become the barometers of how a relationship runs and how it survives. When two people are honest, loyal and devoted to each other, nothing can stop them from loving each other and fueling the relationship to keep going. But if someone becomes disloyal and dishonest it sucks energy and inflicts pain, it directly affects emotions which fuels disillusionment. Having a good conversation with someone resolves conflict and misunderstanding.

6. If someone wants to be with you, they will find time.

I have learned that no matter how interesting and beautiful and terrific your world is, if that someone does not like you, no outside forces can change his mind and pull him to join you in your spectacular world. An almost relationship with someone spawned from your trying hard effort, in an almost true situation, unfortunately does not count.

7. Boundaries and self-respect in a commitment-less relationship

I don't know what's the real atmosphere of relationships with a certain commitment or intimacy but based on how I understand "relating" towards someone, it's pretty necessary to define boundaries of relationships in a more human level.

If you're in a commitment-less, feel-like relationship, you have no entitlements, you have no rules to follow or to impose, you've no right to demand, therefore no right to complain when one stops from bridging the connection. In an almost relationship situation, commitment is not totally defined.  You don't owe anything to that person and that person to you, so let things flow and live life as it is. Just be thankful for each other's presence.

8. You can still be in love or have your heart broken even without in a relationship.

As what I've said, you don't necessarily be in a relationship to feel love and be loved. Somehow, it is established as a result of constant connection. But should never be assumed as real. There's still a certain boundary to be observed. You've no commitment, no romantic attachment.

And being in love with someone does not mean you should be in a committed relationship. You can love the person without being in a relationship. It can be manifested in so many ways. May it be through care or thoughtfulness. Because love itself is a demonstration of emotion. It exists in the deepest part of one's soul

And here's one outcome. If the connection is severed suddenly, and the other person leaves you for someone else, you may have your heart broken. It gives a terrible blow to your emotional state.

Feelings don't come with relationships, it flows naturally and out of nowhere if you're in constant connection with someone. That's why you will be caught off-guard if it comes to an end. A sting of hurt flows in. And pretty normal to feel abandoned or rejected if someone leaves or turns you down for another. That's why you need to define your boundaries when you're in a feel-like relationship. You've no right to keep that someone. So don't expect.

9. Your self-worth does not define by the sense of rejection.
When I was still super young, I thought being rejected means I am not worthy of anything, that I am a total mess, undesirable and not worthy of anyone's attention. When I become of age, I understood that rejection does not mean I am a jerk. It just means I did not fit on someone's definition of an ideal girlfriend or partner. And I'm not included in the choices. But this doesn't mean I am not worthy to another person. I might be undesirable to one person but it doesn't mean I cannot be a diamond worthy of love and attention to someone else out there.

Rejection does not mean I am a trash, it's just a way of pushing me to be found by someone who is meant for me or who is God's gift for me. Just don't let one person's definition of you be affected your total being. Someday, things will fall into the right place with the right person for the best reason.

10. Don't assume!

Boooom!!!

One of the hardest lessons I've learned of not being in a relationship is the clear premise of expectation and assumption. Though I have never been close to a guy before, and haven't established a regular connection to anyone until recently, there are moments that I overthink and overanalyze when someone shows care and starts seeing me in the eye. I overthink! And I guess it's pretty bad.

Don't assume!

Unless a guy would say it straight to your face that he likes you and wants to bring things into the next level, don't ever assume. One sided expectation can hurt you down to the deepest part of your being and can mentally destroy you. So just leave it and hold your turf. Love doesn't hide to where it never existed nor shown to where it never manifested.

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