In life, we would encounter moments that seem to be totally out of control, pushing us to the edge of everything, moments that make us think we lived in a totally misaligned universe. Every move we make seem just not right and we become easily triggered with a slight pinch.


Troubling and dysfunctional. I often watched myself crumbled in dejection, reeling with defeat despite my effort to be cautious  when making big decisions. As though I am not doing anything to change whatever things need to be changed. As though I am not in control of my life.

Now, the grip of thinking I am sailing into a stormy ocean with a bad rudder haunts me again. This thought creeps into my skin like a poison crap. Consuming my whole system and crushing my soul. It massively affected my subconscious and self-worth.

What is it again?

Hormonal imbalances? Bad days? Low points? I'm tired looking for reasons of my moping, I'm tired blaming circumstances. I guess there's something I should do now before I would be totally consumed with despair.


I think I'm not doing good enough with my goals. I allowed times to just pass me by without doing anything. I allowed my fears to control me. I am always afraid to try, scared to take risks and terrified to venture into the unknown. Because I always think I am just courting danger and failures. So for years, I held my ground and took a safer route.

I didn't encounter troubles but didn't provide me a fulfillment either. It seems there's still a huge hole in my life that needs to be fixed.

Did I overshoot my goals? Or too weak enough to push myself hard. Perhaps, I wasn't pushing myself hard enough to get the things I deserve. I keep on pretending I am living in a smooth and light world. And everything will just fall into place when the time is right.

It's not. The world is in a hurry and I should pace up to chase my dreams and live the kind of life I am dreaming. I should start working on the things I need to do before another year turns.


When I was 16, I was told I couldn't have a boyfriend until I am done with school. So I couldn't wait to finish college. When I was 20, I was told girls should reach 23 before they could decide what they want for their future, so I couldn't wait to become 23.

Until years rolled over and felt I haven't done anything. Now, I wish I am 23 again to rearrange my life plans. But this is life. I couldn't turn back the ticking of time. But I can always start anew to change the course of my destiny. Life comes with bigger responsibilities and tougher mindset. It requires a fully developed emotional maturity and sharp wisdom to carry on and wind off challenges.

I should get up and go out and catch that bursting will to polish my journey. I should take control of my life and reconstruct my life plans, enjoy my journey, live at the moment and focus on things that matter in the long run. It's time to look on the other side of the road and see opportunities coming my way.

I don't want to be stuck in the current road I am traversing, too many hurdles, too many roadblocks, as though I am not growing as a person. I am not moving to where I should be. I cannot tolerate another stopover. It's time to move on.



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