This is the same daunting question that had been haunting my mind for, like, ages now. Why I always failed to connect with someone? Or form a close attachment? Or at least a great bond with someone I like to be with?

It's the last month of the year. 

When this moment comes, it's normal to feel wistful. The year would soon be over and everything that happened in the past eleven months, trivial or significant, would soon be just memories, would soon be just part of our life's history. So all those events, moments, wasted encounters and evocative reminders streamed like jigsaw puzzles in my mind.

Ah, life in retrospect. Always gloomy and sad. But is everything worth keeping? Is everything worth remembering? There's always sentimental about memories, about remembering what happened in the past months, about abandoned moments, about wishes that did not come true. Pieces by pieces, it drew a pattern of our totality as a person. Who we are, what we have done and whom we got associated in a year.

On a personal level, it sears beneath. It's as if something is not right with how things in my life runs,  with how circumstances threw things on me, it's as though something needs some extra fixing in my journey. 

So I am soaking in disappointment now. Sulking towards failed wishes, wasted encounters, and grieving over chances that slipt away. After all these years, I still can't hold a grip on something I considered essentials and precious. This year is a hell of struggle on my part, trying to fit in, trying to get out of my comfort zone, trying to get rid of my fears and self-doubts, trying to make a difference, and trying to build a deep connection. But somehow, I failed.

Did I overshoot in the runway of what is just being expected within the norm? 

For so long I have navigated a life of reclusive naivety. Cloistered in my small and remote world, just to keep myself safe and unscathed. I consequently lived a life of seclusion and monotony. Solitary, lack of variety, almost abandoned by the call of times. I am always scared to get out of my orthodox way of life to try what liberated people call "new norms".

I am always scared of everything. Men, big crowd, tattooed people, pierced bodies, new experiences, unconventional lifestyle. But last year, I resolved to get rid some of it. I wanted to change things in my life. I wanted to explore the undiscovered world. 

Reassessing myself, I figured I suck in establishing genuine connections and great friendships. So I resolved to start from this dimension. I resolved to shake off my naivety. I resolved to establish an exclusive connection with someone I won't feel nervous and apprehensive. 

And well, God is good, He let me see where I should start and with whom.

I saw an opportunity to try. It was inconvenient at first. Uneasy and uncomfortable because I would be doing something I have never done before - initiating a conversation with an opposite sex. I invested a lot of courage, time and fearlessness.

It was a daring move but I felt it was time to make a change. To make a difference. And form an attachment with someone I find so nice to go with, so comfortable to be with. So I tried even if it scared me. Even if it frightened me that I might end up rejected or laughed at with or belittled. I just want to try and see where my courage would lead me.

For months, I endured the uncertainty, the vague path of attachment, the obvious distaste and the forced connection. But I persisted because it was what I always wanted, to form a bond with someone I feel comfortable with.

It was great at first. The long conversation. The laughter. The sharing of stories. The light moments of discovering new things between close encounters. I felt elated and excited. I was at my happiest.

But circumstances can be so cruel. The bond that I thought would last eventually sizzled. The other party stopped connecting. And I was left stranded on the road of wasted encounters. Until my energy could no longer sustain the apparent manifestation of rejection.

I have to give up and halted the journey somewhere, not that I got tired but it's difficult to persist when the other party never see any goodness in you and continue to give you a cold shoulder.

It crumpled my self-confidence, scared to try again. It's not easy to absorb all the feeling of disinterest and dislike. It hurts big time. The feeling of undesirable hits my mind again. That I was not good enough on many things. That I am worthless. Unimportant. Ugly. Repulsive. Bound to fail on everything. Even in finding connections.

I spent many days in torment, thinking why my life is always like this. Not being chosen. Always abandoned, always alone, unwanted, unwelcome, unfortunate, despondent, miserable. I reflected on what went wrong.

Perhaps it's indifference.

I am not good in establishing a lasting connection. I admitted it in my deepest sense. I always failed in finding someone to connect with. I am not impressive. I am undesirable and never rose someone's interest.

So while undergoing the process of discernment, I made up my mind to just be contented with what I have, with what life is offering at the moment and focus on my goals. I resolved to stop asking anything that life can't give me and stop looking on something that I can't have.

Still, I can't help but think why I can't establish a genuine connection with someone.

A lot of reasons streamed out of my head with this failure. Perhaps, it's my fault. Perhaps, it's destiny. Perhaps, it's the circumstances' deal with time. Or simply, people perceived life differently. We have different set of priorities, principles, views, opinion towards life and how connection should be treated and understood. Perhaps other people don't see it that way, never see things the way I see it. Perhaps, they have different idealism, different priorities, different definition of purpose. Perhaps, I associated with the wrong people who never see goodness and value in me.

They say that a person's life is often viewed as a combination of transitory attachments and meaningless pursuits and instead of focusing on creating lasting connections and recognizing value in a person, they seek casual relationships based on restricted definitions and boundaries due to their idealism.

No wonder today, finding real friendships or lasting relationships is rare. When people define lasting bond based on age, social status, religion, affiliations, instead of finding shared values and worth, it deflects a chance to create a great story of relationships.

People talk, people mingle, but never got interest to form a deep connection. They have different perception towards attachment. And if ever they wish to have someone to get attached with, it's on different people, different person.

This is life and I must learn how to understand the call of times.

But I am thankful. Always very grateful that the opportunity to care someone came this year. It's something I always treasured because it's very rare to happen. I might not be given another chance to care another person again. I am glad it happened this year and that's something I should be thankful for even if it did not endure the test of time.

Somehow, the mystery of establishing a deep, genuine connection with someone still puzzles me. It remains elusive and difficult to achieve. It continues to haunt me and might never be resolved in the years to come. 

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