I Still Missed Those Moments

Less than two months to go and 2019 will bid goodbye. Wow, just like that?! This whole thing of realization on how time flew so fast made my weekend a little dramatic again.

What have I done so far to make my life worth living? What have I accomplished? Have I brought light to every room I entered this year? Did I go an extra mile to make my life plan a bit realistic?

I guess not. If I have to pull my score card of how things run in my life this year I'll surely have a failed rating. Over and over again this is how my life always turns out towards the end of the year. And it is a bit draining.

Even in a simple relating with others, I just can't hold a grip no matter how much I tried to get attached. It's always ended in desertion and abandonment. Perhaps, there's something wrong with me. Something is not right with myself, that's why people start leaving. No one is interested to take me in.

I started the year with a great anticipation that life might be rosier, brighter this time, that life might be generous with me by telling me a different story this time. But as months approached the last quarter of the year, it ended to be just like the previous years. Dour, dull, lonely, alone, abandoned.

I am so tired accusing myself of failing, I am so darn pissed off branding myself a disappointment each time I have to look back on what my year looks like. So perhaps, I have to see life in a different perspective, free from expectation, free from regrets. I will just have to live life as it is without pressure, without thinking what happen to me if I would sail into the sunset of my life alone.

It's October, the season of love and smile in other parts of the world because it's Autumn. How I wish I am in a country where there's Autumn so that I can have more Octobers.

I figured, I won't dwell too much on my disappointments, my failures, my longing of companionship, my thoughts on why some people I wish to stay with me through out the year have left me. I will stop thinking why I am continually ignored by someone I chose to be with. It should not bothered me because I am still capable of having a great life somewhere.

Perhaps, October has a better answer to that. Perhaps, there's a good reason why it needs to happen. But I still missed those moments. I still missed the conversation. My 2019 becomes a better year, an inspiring year because of that connection. It gives me moments where I could feel I was at my happiest.

But perhaps, some good things never last. It never meant to endure the passing of time. The only thing left to me now is my great anticipation of a peaceful and quiet year-ender. Then I will think about where I should start my life by 2020.

I guess it's time for the next adventure in my career. I am already lagging behind with my contemporaries. Because I let it happen. I never view myself as a success. I have not tried hard enough.

It's time to reconstruct my life goals. And search for a place where my potentials would be valued. And hopefully meet new people who would acknowledge my worth. 

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