My Discernment Over Weekend: Whatever Goes Wrong With My Life

A Period of discernment

Don't get me wrong. I don't have a megawatt problem, nor any emotional debacles to get rid of, but oftentimes in life, I always feel I am stuck in a corner where things moved into crazy directions.

So messy that I thought going somewhere to sort out things is the best thing to do on weekends. Lately, I've been so preoccupied with the thought of what's coming ahead, where this path leads me, what decisions to make, where to go next. These apprehensions piled up my system that I was prone to mood swing and irritations.

So I need to discern in a way that I have never been before. I need to free myself from disappointment, despair and frustrations to embrace the process of discernment. It needs humility and emotional maturity so I should set aside my childlike tendencies. 

Seclusion and Sanctuary

Whenever I feel like I need a quiet space and a moment of solitude, I would go to a secluded place where nothing in the environment but mountains and trees and silence. A place where I could spend time alone to hear my thoughts clearly and understand my purpose, the meaning of life and the lessons behind fear, pain and rejection.

Lately, I feel I am in a situation where I need to decide whether to stay or pack things and find myself elsewhere. I feel I am not progressing, I am not evolving into a person I have envisioned 10 years ago. And I feel I am navigating life in a slow motion.

I need to keep moving now before my time on earth consumes.

So yesterday, I decided to travel to a quiet sanctuary where greenery surrounds the environment. I feel I need to discern life carefully. I feel the need to be alone in solitude to figure everything out.

I went to Quezon City Memorial Circle for two things. To scout for green plants to grow in our front yard and to spend the day in peace and solitude away from the noise. 

I feel it's great to have plants cultivated in the front area of the house. While strolling around, I saw several greens but due to its size and bulk I hesitated to pick one.

I was thinking of just purchasing flowers but then again I feel herbs, vegetables and fruits are still the best to grow outdoor due to its nutritional benefits.

It was still mid-morning so I had plenty of time to contemplate which genus to take home. I strolled around and let myself be drown to the smoothness and quietness of the environment. Such a terrific feeling indeed. Having able to relax after a rough week in the workplace. Rough week because mentally, I am already exhausted doing a work routine that started to bore my day. Like I am always in pain doing the job because it does not provide enough compensation. And I feel really burn out each day.

Gazing at the verdant trees nourished my eyes with freshness

So I need to get out and find a place where I could free my mind from troubles. Going to the malls only add irritation because I hate being in the crowd, I hate the noises and the loud environment. So a place filled with greenery and flowers is the best option for me. I strolled for a while then took my lunch in a nearby restaurant. As I looked around. I saw kids and family enjoying moments of the day. I watched them played in the ground. Such a terrific sight to behold!

Soft afternoon air caresses these lovely blooms

Then I walked to the nearest forest-filled path with thick vegetation, canopy of trees, shrubs from the hinterlands and pink and white flowers. I seated beneath a large tree and lobbed my stares across the area. It was a smooth afternoon with soft air rustling to the trees. While gazing at the blue skies between the canopy of leaves, I discerned on the value of life and how decisions could change the course of destiny.

I took a deep breath and teased myself privately. Because it feels as though I am treading back again to a route where I have long been avoided. I am not certain if humans are really prone to

Tired and weary with my confusing destiny, I slowly got up, dismissed what\'s been brooding in my thoughts for the past weeks and strode past to the promenade. I was thinking of grabbing a cone of ice cream but my stomach was still full so I let it passed and walked to the greenery where various plants were on sale.

I thought of purchasing herbs like basil, tarragon, thyme, lavender and peppermint but it looks so bulky I might not able to carry it. So I moved to another stall and gazed at the Mulberry plants. Been hearing a lot about Mulberry but haven't seen it in the actual setting. I saw a documentary feature on TV about this plant and began to express interest on its benefits.

My Mulberry Plant
Tiny fruits are emerging from the stem

Originally, this genus of flowering plants from Morceae family is cultivated to help the silk industry thrive. Its fruits, which vary from white, red to black, are the only staple consumed by silkworms, the main source of the silk fabrics. But aside from this use, Mulberry is a kind of fruit that contains excellent nutritional components and health benefits. I decided to buy one and brought home.

There was a heavy downpour lashing around the metro when I boarded the jeepney. And I arrived home a little wet. As I settled the plant in our yard next to Grapes and Oregano, a unique satisfaction sprung from within. As though this plant is providing me some magic of hope to nurture.

So what's next with this discerning process?

I am not certain. I am getting tired with how my life runs. Perhaps, I just let moments roll and go with the flow. Perhaps, I will stop over-analyzing things and let life control everything. I am losing strength physically and my mind is tired thinking of any strategies to let things happen.

What Goes Wrong With My Life?

Since getting out of college, I have made sure my decisions were sounds and well-thought to avoid stepping on potholes. I always pondered on the possible consequences and repercussions. But most often than not, I felt it had pushed me to a more dangerous confrontation of life than led me to a clear outcomes.

I am still struggling in almost all aspects that even on a personal level I became very impatient with the sourness of my fate.

Yesterday, while gazing at the lively trees, I pondered on the circumstances of my life and the confronting issues that surround. Most of it really tested my emotional maturity and had pushed myself to the wall of my strength.

I realized that where I am now is half choice, half destiny. It is the product of my decisions and the way  I viewed my life. Not so much on how others perceived me. I'm prone to hesitations. I am guilty of procrastination.

Now, I am ready to get rid of my fear and hesitations. I must do an extra mile to make things happen and find a place where I could grow as an individual and where I will be given what's due to me.

Whatever things that bother me at the moment, it's better to leave it behind and face what things need to be done to see myself evolved. Whatever things, emotions my mind is pressing now, it's better to just keep it somewhere. And stop pushing myself to get it. I realized, in life there are things that we can't control.

I won't focused on those things that I cannot control. Perhaps, it's not meant to happen. It's better to leave it that way and move on. Perhaps, there's a better life waiting for me on the other side of the fence. I'll just focus on myself and my mindset. 

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