A Sheer Sadness That Only A Desolate Soul Understands

Nature gives my soul a time to rest. It heals a wounded spirit.

It's early dawn.

And I can't sleep so I have to get out of bed and write. Writing is my sanctuary. It helps me understand life better. Especially during a time I need to evaluate carefully all the sequences of why I fell into sadness.

My heart screams again with so much despair, sheer sadness engulfed my system once again, but no one could understand except the deepest core of my soul and the silence of the dawn. So here I sit beside the window and listen to the stillness of the earth. It feels better than crying my heart out to sleep.

"Let my soul smile through my heart and my heart smile through my eyes so that I may scatter rich smiles to sad hearts" - Paramahansa Yogananda

I like the silence of the early morning. Smooth, calm and tranquil. As though the world is at peace again. And the age of innocence dwell upon me. The softness of the earth brings so much calmness to my weary mind.

Listening to the stillness of the earth, I am trying to crawl back to the deepest part of my subconscious to let the process of contemplation inundate my whole system. And free my mind from the state of trepidation.

As I breathed hard, a spike of pain slowly creeping through my skin, agitating my nerve and forcing some tiny tears to roll down to my cheek.

What is it again?

I feel sad over something that's not there in the first place. Crazy stuff that I should not be minding at all. But it happened. It just happened.

Looking back, I wonder how things crept through this far. How things turned rosy. How the little bubbles of sheer emotions popped up on the horizon. And blew off into a huge ball of affection. It feels like there's magic swirling in the air. The elation of what might come ahead streams through like a gentle gushing of fresh water in the valley.

I feel like I'm catching the ball of magic and riding the thrill of wonder. As though I smell sweet-scented flowers every day. Then one day, the flowers forget to bloom. And eventually died down. The sad truth was revealed. Everything seems just an illusion. 

Two destinies rotating on a different axis that could never meet. And could never be bartered. For a moment, I thought life is poking fun at me. Allowing me to have moments of rosy expectations only to be curtailed in the end.

Ahhh Perhaps it's my fault. Nurturing a bleak assumption that only crosses on a one-sided road. Just how many times in my adult life have I let myself fall into this terrible trap of make-believe. Tossing myself into the pit of dejection. I am always the guilty party. Putting some colors into a dark, bare pattern. When there is nothing there but darkness and coldness.

Why I often fell into my own make-believe?

Maybe because I already reached the intersection of life where I am finally prepared to take a plunge into bigger, complex responsibilities. To a point where I am willing to share a life with someone whom I am comfortable with, someone I love spending hours talking, and sharing stories.

Those who knew me personally are aware that I have never been in a relationship. Not even a date in my life. I kept myself isolated because I'm waiting for the right time to meet someone whom God prepares for me. When I was still in my early teens I made a covenant with God that I only get myself involved in a relationship only once. So for years, even decades, I never formed any close bond with any guys.

Until lately. I thought God finally revealed His master plan and His special gift. But life is tough. Sometimes, we're given so many challenges to test our core of endurance. And faith. And how far we can endure the test of time and can stay afloat in a life full of complexities and trials without yielding to the pressure.

Eventually, I resigned to the fact that circumstances never easily yield to what we wanted and what we prayed for. We have to strengthen our faith to endure the challenges. It hurts but life is really like that. Someday, I know things will make sense.

So I need to go back to myself. And figure out how to take control of my vulnerabilities to avoid falling into the pit of desolation again. And must not yield to the pressure of what's coming ahead.  Though I have admitted to myself that I don't have hang ups anymore, the pressure of getting hitch is too strong I am vulnerable to wrong assumption.

I am easily attached and easily drawn to a single rope of affection that could tend to focus on a single object. But I am just this normal girl trying to appear human by feeling things human. Because for so long I haven't tried appearing like a relatable human. I used to keep things to myself, refusing anyone to share my little world. Because I was always scared to be emotionally wounded.

And now time has come to be adult, to feel like adult, to get rid of my fear. And allow myself to enter the complex world. But things seem not easy. The more I pushed myself to live a carefree life, the harder it gets. The more I braved myself to transcend to the intricate world of humanity, the more  I tangled up to the incomprehensible world of sordid affection. Perhaps, people are bound to tilt to the opposite side of the spectrum.

Why is that so?

Ahh, circumstances. It can be harsh sometimes, refusing to cooperate to allow destiny to collide. No one will understand it except the core of my soul.

The soft breeze of the morning calm is slowly rustling beyond the trees and roll over to the windows of the living room. And I am trying hard to withhold the tears. There's nothing there to cry.

So I'm thinking hard. About my life, about living meaningfully, about my goals, about dreams I need to pursue. About getting on everything and going through a lot of things.

I am traversing again a perplexing road where there's nowhere to go to but crawl back to myself and understand that things happen for a reason. And it's always for the best.

So I'm here, trying to fix the tiny pieces that shattered through the tousled ground of hope. And silently agreed that no one thrust me into this grim bed of despair but myself. Walking slowly back to my bed, I know I am guilty again of falling into the pit of wrong assumptions.

For a moment, I thought life deprived me of happiness. And a piece of joy for not yielding to what my heart longed for. But it's also the same circumstances that increased my faith and wisdom. It also taught me the value of waiting. Someday, things will get better. God is so good, he might delay things but He never forgets. I'll just trust His ways because His time is always perfect.

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