Perhaps, I Am A Bad Option

If only life has a delete button, perhaps, I will spend a day sorting out memories and delete all those useless moments that made me feel like a complete stupid.

There are moments in life that we really feel so bad, so down, so empty, feeling so useless and hitting rock-bottom, which I guess is normal because we're still alive and we're interacting, we're relating and there's always a downside. An opposite side of being happy.

But in due time, these things shall come to pass. Feelings aren't permanent, it can change overtime, it never stays longer in our hearts, the moment we realize it doesn't make sense, it's over. But for a time, we've to endure the feeling of emptiness. Because it's real.

Lately, I've been through rough times again. It often hits me when I'm at my lowest point. Perhaps, hormonal imbalances, but the feeling of rejection haunts me again like a dreaded ghost. And it is frustrating.

Though how many times I kept it away from my system, it keeps coming back when triggers. Especially when a particular situation where I would feel like no one wants to take me in or believe someone is not into me, the feeling of emptiness resurfaces.

I've been through a lot of emotional debacles in the past. And had the best lesson in relating - "allowing myself to be attached emotionally to a person who doesn't feel the same is emotionally damaging". Still, it seems I didn't learn my lesson. I still stumble to the same pit of illusions. Perhaps because I'm continue hoping that one day, I can still meet "the one".

But it seems life would not give me a fair chance. And seems telling me that I should give up and be contented of being alone. Though at times, yes, I'm giving up the idea, there are moments that circumstances allowed me to keep hoping.

Things happen the way we never expected it to take place. Feelings just flow and I often swam with it freely until I realized I was already drowning but too late to pull myself up. I was in the deepest part of the ocean. But I need to. Need to pull myself and lift my head above the water to stay afloat.

Perhaps, I need to give up that certain things will still take place. It won't. So i need to keep distance and wrap myself in a safe sanctuary away from everything and everyone that reminds me of that feeling.

I need to get rid of those moments of fun where I would be reminded of the presence. I need to let go of those traces of memories to get back on track.

For a moment I thought my life is a seies of disappointment and rejection. No one wants to take me in. Perhaps, I'm a bad option because I'm not always part of the choices.

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