Weekend Escape to Tagaytay: An Acid Test To My Discernment Ritual

Discernment, in a Christian context, refers to a perception in the absence of judgment with a view to obtain spiritual direction. In other words, it is nothing more than the ability of deciding between right or wrong, a process of careful distinctions between truth and error.

I regularly practice the art of descernment when something deep inside is bothering me or when I'm about to make a life-changing decision. It often gives me a peace of mind and sense of emotional security.

So lately, I feel like being trapped in the road of life, with so many intersections, again. Cannot figure exactly where to drag my footsteps without stumbling on a dangerous hole of disappointments.

Though I am certain with my goals in life and had already established my long term plans, it did not liberate my mind from undergoing a terrible period of anxiety with what's coming ahead. Several questions that need concrete answers began popping up in my horizon. And that never-ending thought of "Will I ever sail into the sunset of my life alone?" started disturbing me again.

I don't have hang ups anymore. I have resolved my insecurities long before I turned 35. I have fortified my independence and self-confidence, still a pattern of confusion haunts my day. So much so that I am often compelled to choose between a sense of urgency and silence. But I always chose silence because that is the best thing to do, because that is the only option left to avoid having a disastrous outcome.

I've been there a couple of times before and the result of my being true to myself has always been catastrophic. I was pushed aside and driven to the seashore of rejection. And I don't want to traverse the same path again.  It was frightening out there.

God knows how much I tried to be fair with myself, to take a piece of pie over the things they often associated to happiness. But it often ended up in defeat. Sometimes I wonder if my life is a message of something great to come or destined to suffer misery all through out.

Tired analyzing the sequences of my destiny I resolved to undergo another round of discernment to take a look where my life is heading and whether a certain situation that bothers me lately needs a closer scrutiny.

So I decided to go with my colleagues on their planned trip to Tagaytay. To find out something about my private "assumption". To ponder on my confusing fate who to be with, who to choose, and whether there is some truth about my wild speculation.

Sometimes I can really be silly, conjuring a stupid presumption that seems never existed at all. Maybe because I am tired waiting for something great to come. I already reach to a point where I cannot afford to undergo so many delays and too many stop overs.

So I need to discern to sort out things. I believe that there is a huge difference between seeing eye to eye and the assumption we created in our minds, a difference between our private desires and the magnetic pulls of energy when being confronted with reality, a difference between the flickers of light filtering through the crack windows and the spur of emotions that slowly bursting up deep inside.

And between these in-betweens is the truth that will define our moments. I wanted to discover these in-betweens to avoid spending too much time in the imaginary universe. And steer back myself to reality. Whatever it maybe, I am prepared to accept it.

In my life, I am between landmarks, young adult and adult, single and married, and in-betweens, is a void that needs to fill in, a dark space that needs a gleam of lights.

But these in-betweens seem like distant phenomena, far-flung and unreachable, something that I cannot control. So much so that towards the end of the day, I feel defeated. It crashes my spirit.

So I need to go back to the basic where I need to face my fears and hesitations to avoid falling again into the same pit of heartaches. The outcome, no matter how painful, is a grace to live by.

Thick fog descended at Picnic Grove

So this Tagaytay sojourn sounded like an acid test to my blurry presumptions. A quantification of the dimension of whatever-it-is (I don't want to elaborate what it is), and discover something out of the siuation to attain some peace of mind.

I enjoyed the trip with my friends. And I have never been so happy in my life taking adventure with colleagues. Though there were times in the past that I was with my colleagues on a trip, both local and outside the country, this Tagaytay trip was my first to really enjoy the company of colleagues whom I share a lot in common.

There was nothing but laughter and pure joy. Perhaps because I feel so comfortable with them. Perhaps because we are on the same wavelength, on the same point of view. We shared the same interest. I have not joined an outing with people I don't feel comfortable with. And I don't want to pretend just to please anybody. I am always true to myself.

But more than anything else, the trip served as a litmus paper to my apprehensions and private "thoughts". And I need to discover something out of this trip. For some peace of mind.

It was gloomy when we got there, heavy rain lashed throughout Tagaytay. And on the second day of our trip, a thick fog descended down the entire landscape. Feels like a manifestation of what was troubling me deep inside. But we were fine taking the adventure. The subdued environment was cool, relaxing enough to marvel at the wonders of nature.

I did not forget though that I was there for some discernment, for some contemplation. So in-between the steps I took, I was scrutinizing closely the tiny details of life, of whatever it is that made me succumb to apprehensions again.

But towards the end of the trip, just like the weather we experienced there, everything seems foggy. Or was it really? Did it answers anything?  Perhaps, yes. I am only stubborn to accept the nagging truth that there was nothing there in the first place. That there was nothing extraordinary to speculate.

Should I move on now and discard the stupid assumption that's been bothering my mind for quite sometimes? Should I stop speculating things that there's a ball of magic dancing in the air when a close encounter takes place? Even answers to these questions are as hazy as the landscape of Tagaytay during foggy morning.

Perhaps I should stop forcing my mind to understand the mystery of life. To interpret unfounded presumptions. Or why things never occurred the way I want it to be. Perhaps I should not dwell too much on the things I cannot control.

From now on, I will let things flow and stop overanalyzing the everything. Wherever it streams maybe, I will let time decide for my fate and just follow where it takes me. No more what ifs and but ifs. After all, things happen for a reason. And God's time is always perfect.

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