Crawling back to my Sacred Journaling Space

It's Saturday.

Nothing extraordinary. Except for the anticipation of a relaxing weekend. At last I am home again and could feel the warmth of my bed. But am I really at peace and relax?

Lately, I've been bothered again with something I have been trying hard to suppress because I know it would be totally useless. I am exhausted analyzing my troubling destiny. Been there a few times before and I always ended up bushed up.

But lately, things have been hitting me up again. Something I understood because I am still alive and still have a normal emotion. The feeling of anxiety is knocking me off a bit and slowly swelling in my horizon as days progressed. As if I am cursed, destined to keep going back to the road of dejection I bowed never to return.

But here I am, feeling the same uncomfortable atmosphere of blurred hopes and pointless apprehensions. As if I am a damsel in distress, waiting for someone to pick me up and whisk me away to a happy place.

Seeing how things turned out pretty confusing the past days since my discernment process in Tagaytay last weekend, I resigned to the fact that my life is nothing but a ball of misery.

So here I am, spending my lunch alone in a quiet corner, thinking hard how to make things better when I am not okay. Because right now I am not okay. Though everyday I wear my sweetest smile and I have a sunny personality, privately I am bleeding in despair.

If I would paint the hues of my weekend now, it will reveal a pattern of gray shades. Again.  

Perhaps because I am expecting something that looks like will never happen. I am taking pointless things seriously. I am slowly yielding to what my subconscious is screaming now.

It is my fault anyway. I am quick to assume things. So I need to change my mindset and turn away from my current state of senseless reveries.

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