The past days were crazy. 

I've gone through a series of personal upheavals of all patterns of emotions, as though something was hitting me hard, pushing me to the darkest corner of the earth. I would often stare into dark spaces if something gone wrong with my life's plan. 

Tough days. Really tough. 

Not because I find it hard to push myself to get on with everything and accept what life has offered at the moment but because I’ve had enough. 

All doors had been shut

The message of struggles. The self-pity. The meaning of  all those doors that had been shut. The dejection. The rejection. The reason behind the opportunities that slipping away. And all these wrenches.

What are these all about? Punishment? Am I being punished because I wasn't doing good enough to please the world? Learning lesson? Because I need to be tougher with the test of times? Blessing in disguise? Because something brighter is just waiting for me at the end of this dark tunnel?

Or is it simply life that went wrong?

Moment after moment, my questions over these adversities seem oscillating back and forth in my mentally-exhausted mind. With no lucid answers.

Definitely none. 

Who would answer my complex questions? Who would comfort me and assure me that all these adversities are just passing moments, just life's potholes that we must go through to become stronger, wiser and reach the place where we should be. 

Perhaps time? 

That things are meant to happen because that's how my path is designed, that's how my timeline on earth is written. And I must endure it because it is how things in my life is planned. 

It's tormenting to think it that way. But who would argue with time? It’s all about circumstances. It’s all about subsistence. It's all about life's path. Whatever awaits at the end of this arduous road, no one knows, none of my inkling. 

It's just a matter of time. 

Life is tough, Life is a constant battle that needs to be won everyday. But I would never imagine that I would be pushed to a certain limit where courage and faith will be tested. My self-confidence is on the verge of crashing into pieces again.

The world has turned against me. 

I am almost certain. Somewhere out there, someone and circumstances conspired to bury me deep into misfortune, pain and defeat. Into the pit of dejection. Into the harsh valley of misery. 

And no one is willing to pull me up.

No one wants to take me in. No one believe in my value, in my worth. And no one wants to give me a chance to grapple that one big opportunity. As though I am useless.

It's a bit disconcerting and I felt so bad about myself. 

At some point, I turned the table of angst away from me and directed my fury to those jerks who seemed cruel for turning me down, for power-tripping on me, yes, those bloody power-tripper managers I worked with, who misjudged and discredited my capacity.

But will I gain anything from it? Will I emerge triumphant if I'll keep blaming others on my misery? Will the situation change if I'll mope whole day? 

It would not. And those jerks continue enjoying the world and their damn lives while I am burying deeply in misery. I should change the course of my life, I should change my mindset.

Blaming and pointing fingers to others, or to the circumstances won't change anything because struggles are personal battles that need to be overcome by oneself. The outside world has nothing to do with my predicament and desperation.

Tough Arguments

Who would pick me up? Who would be used by God as instruments to put my life back on track again, to lift me up from this turbulent moment?

Hardcore questions. And answers are as vague as the idea of a parallel universe, I would never get satisfying answers to all these muddles. Because there are always excuses. There are always arguments, self-confrontations and denials.

But why I need to suffer? 

Why there seems to be an endless episode of waiting? Waiting for my turn to be on top. Waiting for my luck for a satisfying life. Waiting for an opportunity to put me back on the track.

Difficult arguments. Tough dissension, Logic might be flawed and no sensible answers will come out. 

Who Controls Time?

TIME.

It is a tipping point of everything. It's on how things should get us going and how life takes a turn. It controls the countenance of our journey. It controls the flow of our  fate and how things turn out everyday. 

It would never yield to what we scream at the moment. It would never yield to our begging to let us live the life we want it be. 

It has its own direction. It has its own blueprint how things should flow. It follows its own call. It draws its own trace. It keeps its own phase. It has its own moments. No one can ever pass the parameter of life without the consent of time.

But who controls TIME?

Somewhere out there, beyond the capacity of our human brain, someone control’s TIME. Someone we cannot defy, whose judgement cannot be questioned, whose decision cannot be bargained of. 

Someone owns everything. Even TIME.

We might create unreasonable decision, we might possess courage to make a difference, catch the tide of success, dare to fly high with our intention to make life worth living based on how we define it, waste our energy to pursue dreams and intentions,  but without fitting on the timetable designed for us, everything won't move. And we will be defeated.

Someone owns TIME.

Circumstances are its voices and timing is its orb, Pills that often hard to swallow. But the timing of all the opportunities and struggles we are absorbing in this world is controlled by time. 

Even the mapping of our plans, the collision of our path with another, the outside forces, the timing of opportunities. We cannot manipulate destiny. Someone controls everything. 

It might be hard to accept or too difficult to comprehend, but that’s how it goes and we cannot barter it. Not even trading self-sacrifices and lashing our feet on the steps of the church every day. It's just pointless. 

Without the permission of Time, nothing will happen. If the grand design is not yet complete. None of those plans will come true.

Everything has its own time. 

God owns it. He designs it. We have to undergo a certain level of challenges, pain and tribulation to recognize His grand design, to understand his master plan. It might be difficult to accept, but wisdom will teach us how.

It might be hard. It might be a hell of a challenge. And we will become impatient with the long delays, but faith will keep us moving. Life, no matter how vague it is, must go on,

Everything depends on faith. Success, failures, happiness, sadness, sickness, health, inspiration, desperation. Contentment, dissatisfaction. Everything.

God's time is always perfect.


I pondered and contemplated in silence. Reaching out to the deepest part of my subconscious. Discerning in solitude. Then slowly picking up myself up. And think about life in the clearer sense, and recognized what I have right now. 

Why I should feel bad? Why focus on the things that I do not have control? Why concentrate on something that was not there anymore? Why force to get the things that should never be given and not meant to happen? Why looked at the doors that had been shut when there's a bigger window waiting to be opened?

I still have my life to live. 

I should keep moving. I should look forward. No one can guarantee me of a beautiful life ahead but living is not meant to be put off until tomorrow.

Life is happening now and not the next day, I should enjoy the moment and tomorrow will take care of itself.

Never mind those entities/people that/who refused to take me in and believe in my worth, they are not also worthy to be grieved on. 

There are still wonderful things on the other side of the road. At the end of this tormenting journey, a great reward awaits. Something that only God is capable of providing.

Sometimes, the only thing we truly needed is just within ourselves, it's just deep within, we only need to bank on our faith to understand everything. Life is a reflection, whatever thought we feed on our subconscious, it becomes us.

One inspiring quote I've read somewhere:

“God’s plan is always the best, sometimes the process is painful and hard. But we should always remember that when God is silent. When it seems He never listens to our prayers. He is doing something great!” 

And from Ecclesiastes 3:1

Everything in life happens in time that God chooses.

The world, after all, has not turned against me. It has its own perfect moment. And timing.

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