I Prefer to Grieve Privately. Alone and in Silence

I prefer that my last memory of my father is in his living form, smiling, and grinning. I want to remember him in his happy times. Not the one lying in the morbid coffin, so I chose not to see his mortal remains. I want to be alone, praying in silence, wishing him happiness in the afterlife. This is not denial. But another form of acceptance. We have different ways of grieving and coping with the loss. I chose silence in solitude. I want to grieve privately and be relieved in my own terms.

On Monday, June 22, I arrived from China with a happy heart because finally, I was able to fulfill one of my greatest travel dreams to visit Shanghai! But I didn't know my 90-year-old father already passed away on June 20 while I was enjoying the scenery in Hangzhou City.

That day (June 20), I was over the moon because I finally visited the tea plantation in Hangzhou, which produces the famous Longjing Tea, China's most popular and finest Green Tea. In fact I bought one canister of its loose leaves variety because I planned to give it to my parents. Authentic Longjing Tea offers optimum health benefits and I thought it would be good for their health.

Trying Hanfu, Chinese traditional costume, in Meijiawu Tea Village in Hangzhou, on June 20, 2026 in the afternoon not knowing that at this hour my father passed away at home in Surigao.

My family of course couldn't reach me because I didn't use social media while in China due to a clause in the content monetization program on Facebook that we shouldn't post updates while traveling to an ineligible country to avoid violations and removal from the program. I was also using an e-sim and didn't activate my smart and globe sims.

Although I had a great time with the group and had a happy experience exploring China's most prosperous cities, we had a compact and hectic schedule, so I often ended the day very tired (albeit very fulfilling and happy). China also had a heavy downpour during our tour. But perhaps, it was my adrenaline rush that kept me energetic during the entire trip.

From Shanghai, we traveled to Wuxi City, and then to the ancient water town of Huzhou, then to Hangzhou, and back to Shanghai on the 21st of June. So by the time I boarded a plane back home on the early morning of June 22, I was extremely tired and already suffering from a terrible muscle pain.

I only knew of my father's death on the morning of June 22 while riding a grab car to Caloocan from the airport. I didn't know how to react since I was not feeling well at that time. It felt like I was floating in the air due to lack of sleep and body pain.

It was only upon arriving home that I made sense of the environment and the devastating news. But I remained calm, trying to ponder on the meaning of loss, so that I won't completely break down from distress.

My father's passing actually didn't surprise me (although I was shocked it came earlier). It was like an approaching train that anytime will come to the platform. You see, he was 90 and for the past two years, he suffered from a number of illnesses: hypertension, enlargement of prostate, gallbladder, kidney.

But although I was prepared emotionally, it still agonising to know he's no longer with us. Losing a family member is always emotionally draining, there's a void that could never be filled in forever, like a gaping hole that couldn't be closed, and the torment of knowing we could no longer see them in family reunions and gatherings is excruciatingly painful. And pain is a lot terrible when you know you could have done better.

In early June (days before my Shanghai trip), my mother asked me to come home soon because Papa's health continued to deteriorate after his last hospital confinement in May. But I have an upcoming China trip on June 17 to 22 so I told her to tell Papa I would be home in early July.

I was confident at that time his condition was not that bad and he could make it this year. In fact I had so many plans upon returning home this July after my China trip - bring him to Davao for a thorough medical check up and book a beach trip for him to enjoy the ocean air.

Papa in his happy days

But to be honest, I didn't expect death would come this month. Papa had so many near-death experiences in the past due to his hypertension and heart issues; hospitalisation that were far worst than this month. But he was able to overcome those dark ordeals. So I was confident his latest condition was just one of those incidents in the past.

But well, maybe that's how it is.

Maybe God has another plan, better than what our human brains can process and understand. Maybe it's time to go. Maybe his story has to end this way. Maybe it was already part of his timeline to be called to the House of the Lord this month.

Who are we to question God's will?

Even if it's difficult to comprehend and absorb the reality, because we, humans, abhor sufferings and sadness and death, even if my head has so many whys and buts, it's beyond my human limitations to questions the will of heaven.

We are living in a borrowed time and each day is a miracle of surviving, we don't know what life would throw at us. So it's meaningless to be overwhelmed by guilt and regrets. I can only wish for my father's happiness in the afterlife. No more pains. No more sufferings.

My father was so photogenic ☺️

Papa had served the Roman Catholic Church as a lay minister for over 50 years, until his strength waned a couple of years ago. Very dedicated to his role in the church all his life. The very reason why I have a strong devotion to my Catholic faith because I regularly accompanied him to the church during my younger days.

People might think I'm spineless. But I viewed death differently. I don't see it as a menace. I see it as a friendly word because it reminds us that we don't last forever. We have our own limitations, our own time line. We don't know how and when death will arrive in our doorsteps, but we know it will come, sooner or later. So the best thing to do is to prepare for its arrival. It makes us grounded. It gives us reasons to appreciate life, to accomplish the things we want to achieve because we do not know how much times are left, we might never get that chance again.

I also don't want to see my father lying in the coffin. I don't want to see his mortal remains. I want to keep him in my memory as a living person. I want my last memory of him in his living form. I want to hear his laughter rather than see his lifeless body. So I better not to see him now.

Maybe we have different ways of grieving. We have different ways of coping with the loss, of accepting death. But I prefer to grieve privately. I want to ponder on the loss and be relieved in my own terms. In fact, I don't want people to offer condolences to me. I don't want to hear people offering sympathy, it's nothing but a nail that is being hammered to my coffin of grief and sorrow, like grains of salt that rub into an open wound, so I better not to hear about it. Just show respect to my silence and my grief. And that's enough.

Not all things and details that happened in our lives should be shared with the public. Not every event in our private lives must be shared on social media. We have already been bombarded by too many gloomy and sickening events in the surroundings, the last thing to happen is to make our grief a public thing. That's too much. In fact, I don't like to see elements of death posted on social media. It's ridiculous and gross. So I prefer to grieve privately. Alone. And in silence. I prefer it that way. It made me feel more human. It allows me to think rationally, and process the sense of loss with clarity. I prefer to pray for the eternal repose of my father's soul in silence.

It's still weird to hear that he's gone. The reality hasn't sunk in yet to my brain. Right now, I am not feeling well, my body still ached due to flu and cold and extreme body fatigue. I need enough time to recover my physical energy. I could feel my brain still fogging due to physical exhaustion. My frozen shoulder is so painful. It's been a year that I suffered from frozen shoulder and now it feels like the physical tension has overwhelmed my back.

But yeah, I need enough time to grieve privately that's why I haven't posted photos of our China tour yet. Although I already posted several videos on my YouTube channel The Gourmand Traveler, I haven't written articles yet about the trip on my travel website Gourmand Travel Guide, my mind is distracted and can't compose a single paragraph.

I hate saying goodbye and all the morbid things about funeral and burial. It's sickening and depressing. I just want to celebrate my father's life in a different way. I want to keep his memory alive by not seeing him lying in the coffin.

I just think of the good memories growing up with him rather than immersed in sadness. It's true that losing a parent is one of the most devastating events we could have in our lifetime, but being convulsed in grief won't help anything. It also contradicts the reality of how God designs our mortal existence in this world - that we don't last forever.

So instead of viewing death as something morbid and painful, I am viewing it as part of our life cycle. That we are in a borrowed time. We never own our life. So we can't do anything if it's our time to go. Accepting it wholeheartedly frees us from anxiety, depression, and heartbreaks. And recognising death as part of life allows us to live meaningfully.

In recent years, I become closer to my faith. I don't know how it happened lol! But I suddenly become prayerful, entrusting my whole life to the Lord and completely surrendering to His will. I aimed to never miss Sunday mass. I became discerning, treating each day as an opportunity to live according to God's plan. I am in a situation where I believe I have already attained self-fulfillment in life. I treat my happiness and sadness, success and failure as consequences of my actions and decisions. So I don't have regrets.

Part of pondering the meaning of life and sense of purpose in this world is accepting death. Because it is inevitable and the most certain destiny of being mortals. So instead of being sad, I considered my father's death as God's will. Maybe it's his time to go. It maybe sad but life on earth is really like that. We don't last forever. Papa had lived the best years of his life. He had accomplished the things that made him happy. He was in the sunset phase of his life. So maybe it's really time for him to go.

My favorite verses in the Bible that teach me the meaning of life, death, humility, and God's will are in Ecclesiastes chapter 3:1-21: "To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven: A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted; A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up; A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance...

...God has made everything appropriate to its time, but has put the timeless into their hearts so they cannot find out, from beginning to end, the work which God has done...I recognized that there is nothing better than to rejoice and to do well during life".

These verses teach me humility, that Everything that happens in this world happens at the time God chooses. "Everything has its own time, and that there is a specific time for every activity under heaven. There's a time to do things, a right time for everything on earth". These verses reflect on the mortality of all humans and highlight our limitations, our knowledge regarding the afterlife.

These verses truly increase my wisdom and understanding about mortal life. To know that God is in charge of everything, to feel grateful that He makes life beautiful and meaningful, even when there are times they are not, help me balance everything.

To my father, I know you have done your best as a father during your lifetime. We truly appreciate your affection, your effort to make our lives worth living, and all the positive life lessons you have imparted to us. May we live with the positive values you shared.

Praying for the eternal repose of your soul. May you rest in eternal peace, and in God's embrace. Whatever lapses we had as your children, may you forgive us. Wishing you happiness and peace in the afterlife. I hate to send you in your final resting place so I remained here. But soon will visit your grave. Hope you continue to watch over, just as how you have watched us and shielded us from harm while you were still alive. ❤️

Here are photos of my father the last time we met (January 2025):