It's exactly one month today, July 20, 2026, since my father passed away. And contrary to what I said in the days following his demise last month, I haven't been recovered from the grief that I went through. I'm still figuring out how things happened so quickly. Why he didn't wait for me to come home.
It's crazy to think this right now but I am feeling the loss so badly. I have so many regrets, I have so many whys and what ifs. My father was actually 88 when he died but I always thought he could have lived longer. If only I was quick to decide to come home and asked him how he was feeling.
I was just pretending last month that I've accepted his passing. Maybe that was only my initial reaction because I was in denial. Or maybe it was just how my brain protected my emotions.
But when I got home days ago. It was only then that I felt the terrible sense of loss. The emptiness at home. It was only then that I felt his absence because I used to seeing him seated in the center of the table during meals. It hurts to realise my father is gone forever. It's only now that I terribly missed him. 😢
Every day, I am inundated with the feeling of guilt and regrets especially recalling my happy childhood memories growing up with my him. How he loved me and how he provided me with everything I wanted when I was still a kid. And now I felt guilty for not even taking care of him in his old days. Not talking to him frequently.
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| Visiting Papa's final resting place on July 15 |
Indeed, losing a parent is a different level of grief, the kind of missing piece that could no longer be filled in. There are days that I am better and thinking yeah it's part of life on earth. That we are in a borrowed time. But there are days that I am too consumed with grief and sense of loss.
Losing a parent is something like driving through a plate-glass window. You didn’t know it was there until it shattered, and then for years to come you’re picking up the pieces — down to the last glassy splinter.
Now, I realised that losing a father is one of the most devastating events that ever happened in my life, a kind of loss that I may never get over in my lifetime. I would never experience the kind of love and affection he gave me, ever again. He was the one who truly cared for me.
So if you still have both of your parents, please take care of them. Give your all. Call them often or even frequently and spend plenty of time with them. Ask them what they want. Don't postpone what you can do today to show your love and attention to them. You don't know how much time left. You might never get that chance again.
To my father, wherever you are, I just wanted you to know how nuch I missed you. I will do everything to keep your memory alive. Wishing you happiness in the afterlife.
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