I've Been Washed Off To The Seashore of Pain Where Starfishes Are Meant To Die

The hour was edging fast midnight. I was a bit sleepy but still could feel the vibe in my environment. Keyboards clanked. Noises were rising up. People moving around, coming in and out of the door. But I sat in my chair like an hour glass, motionless.

I could feel weariness pinching my body. I didn't know what was that. Emotional exhaustion perhaps.  But I knew it was nonsense. It was pure stupidity to dwell on other people's conversation. But as hours progressed, I knew there was something inside of me that wasn't okay.

But why?

I hope I knew the exact answer, but the more I dug deeper to the core of my reaction, the more things becoming complicated. Am I jealous? I wonder. But it was as if someone close to me is leaving, and chose someone else to be in his life. And I'll be forced to crawl back again to my sanctuary, alone, with no one to talk to. No one to share stories. No one to run when life hits me low.

That's why it tore me apart.

As I pinned down my body to the swivel chair, my breathing became labored, as though some heavy object was forcibly thrust into my rib cage. My eardrum seemed ready to explode as their conversation started to sound like flying daggers piercing my ears.

For a moment, I thought an evil godmother whipped me hard with a black magic to be condemned. There was a harrowing emptiness creeping down to my chest. Because I felt so alone again in my lonely little world.

For a moment I thought I heard voices of the generation humming through the wall, stirring through my heartbeat. I knew then I was defeated. My goal to establish a lasting bond with the one I felt comfortable with, still proved unsuccessful.

Little by little, my limbs seemed shredding into pieces. Until I could feel the numbness of my thighs. It was so stupid to think this way. But it happened unconsciously. I got up and strode to the comfort room.

While standing in the queue, I turned slightly, trying to peer through the mirror. I saw my eyes popping in red. My eyelids began to feel warm, until a hot liquid was ready to roll down to my cheek. I hurried to the first cubicle that burst open. And poured my emotion out. It was crazy to think I would be reacting that way. But it happened. Like an involuntary dream creeping through my subconscious.

I was snuffling. But half of me was annoyed with myself. Behaving so unreasonably, as if I have the right to get hurt when there wasn't. But I was reacting as though the world shot me with a spear when there's nothing to fuss about.

Am I crazy? Unreasonable? Too assuming? Or just too naive to understand how things worked in the complex world of "relating". Because for so long, I haven't exposed to form a close bond with the opposite sex, so I am clueless how to handle "interaction" and "relating" and how to set parameters and limitations. I misunderstood everything, assuming I could be part of his world exclusively when he has the right to be happy with others. When he has all the right to choose who he wants to be with.  Perhaps, this is where things turned pretty confusing to me.

But that is something I need to understand. I should learn to draw a  hard line between mere friendship and a hybrid friendship. I should learn the limitation where I should only step in to clear things up.

I fixed myself and went back to my chair. But why I felt bad? Why I felt like being abandoned? Rejected?

For so long, I was trying hard to be the person of my time, trying hard to adjust to what is necessary to fit in. I've long been grieving my very introvert nature that constricted me from expanding my network of friends. But it seems life just would not give me a chance. As if I have been cursed to live alone for the rest of my life.

I have fewer friends. No relationship involvement. Have not gone yet for my first date and have never interacted with the opposite sex. But I wanted to change this routine. So I started going out of my secluded shell.

Determined to establish an enduring connection, I became very observant with the people I met. Until I braved myself doing something I have never done before, initiating a conversation with someone I feel comfortable talking with. That was the most courageous thing I ever did so far but I felt God allowed this encounter to happen to let me feel at ease with the opposite sex, because for so long, I dreaded men.

Eventually, it went well.

The regular conversation. The sharing of stories. The laughter in-betweens. I thought I've finally found one person whom I can reach out when life becomes unfair, whom I can form a great bond of connection, whatever that means.

At first there was a pull of good energy. The regular conversation was so smooth, the light moments at the course of the connection brought so much excitement. I felt I was triumphant with my quest to finally break barriers of entering men's world while holding ground of respect.

But then suddenly the drifting, the awkwardness, until silence consumed energy. Everything was stopped.  He disconnected. And we were back again to being strangers. I wondered why. And I wanted to ask God why he lost interest. Did he get bored? Am I bad? Am I a jerk? Why I was being avoided? Am I not worthy of anyone's time? But then I realized people have choices who they want to be with.

Days went on. Without any answer to my wondering. Until it happened.

Circumstances had its own way of resolving confusions, after all. I have discovered the reason behind his coldness and on why he stopped talking to me. He is already with someone else. He is seeing someone special. Perhaps, the same someone who he has regular communication right now. Someone who occupied his hours during off work.

I realized then I should stop reaching out. I should step back. So I finally give up. Not because I got tired, but because it's already inappropriate to have a private conversation. He chose someone else. He is already seeing someone. So I should know where to put myself.

I went home with a dejected mind, grieving the lost connection I valued and cherished. That was the only connection I nurtured because I like this person's personality. He seems so courteous when he speaks. There was something in him that drawn me. Perhaps the way we interact. He is easy to deal with, very generous with his time, down-to-earth. A man of his time. We shared some common values. We easily understood each other. We never argued even though we came from a different border of faith.

But then things ended abruptly.

I felt like being washed off to the seashore of pain where star fishes are meant to die. I'll be forver missing our conversation and those moments. But perhaps, it is meant to end. Whatever the reason, only destiny can judge. I'm tired comprehending the circumstances of my life. Maybe there are things not meant to be understood. But just meant to be accepted as it is.

So here I am, thinking about the connection that fell spart, about the friendship that lost with time, with abandonment. I try not to confuse sadness with regrets, rejection with loneliness. And just be grateful that the encounter happened. It provided me sunshine during my grayest days.

I failed again in my quest of relating. As though no one wants to take me in. Maybe, there's something wrong with me. Perhaps, there is something in my personality that I need to change. And need to work on, to attract positive energy. I hope someday, I can meet someone who would not abandon me, but always there to share life with.

Until then...

"If some lives form a perfect circle, others take a shape in a way we could never understand. Loss has been part of my journey, but it has shown me what is precious, and so has our short connection in which I could only be grateful.

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