The Connection I Valued That Had Lost With Time

Once in our lifetime, we will encounter moments that are totally unexpected to hit our horizon, moments that make us ponder how things gonna run, how things gonna feel like. Moments that give us beautiful days. Moments that define our life's preferences, hopes, desires and longings. Moments that help us see precious things in our surroundings.

At the course of these moments, we will realize who among our friends and associates are worthy to be kept and who are those meant to be left behind. Because not everyone we met will become our friends and not everyone who became our friends will turn into someone whom we feel comfortable talking with, whom we want to establish a deeper, stable connection with.

How a situation turns into a great connection depends on the person we choose to be with, the magnitude of compatibility of our characters and values and the ease we feel with their personality. It's a tricky thing sometimes because it's on a personal level and we might even accuse of being choosy in friendship. But it's difficult to be with people we're not comfortable with. It's hard to pretend we're happy being with them around when we're truly not.

It is with this premise that I pondered the value of my preferences in life.

At the course of my existence, I only have fewest close associates. People whom I could truly feel comfortable, whom I could feel like home. So when I meet someone whom I could feel this unique intuition of being comfortable, I am always very excited and will always do an extra mile to take care of that special bond.

But just like passing moments, things often come to an end. And it kept me wondering why it just can't last. Is there something wrong with me? Why I often left abandoned when all I want is to establish a stable connection. To have someone to talk with, to share life stories with, to share laughter. Am I not worthy to be with? To talk with?

It often leaves me grieving with emptiness and makes myself believe I am not worthy of anything. Maybe I am just too excited to be close to someone who never considered me worthy of the time.

When we are excited with the connection and with the person, there's a pull of good energy. We'll become comfortable. We're excited to open our life to them, share them stories about anything in the day. Something we won't be telling to other people. It feels good. It feels like there's always someone whom we can run to when life hits us low. It feels wonderful that towards the end of the day there's someone whom we could talk, someone whom we love to spend moments in sharing stories with, even life. But then the drifting, the awkwardness, the disconnection. Until it fell apart. It disappears. Then the pattern of darkness takes over on the severed connection. It left me wondering why. Where did things go wrong?

Perhaps life is really like that, we don't have any grip on everything. Things are just passing moments. Even the connection we thought would never last, will come to an end. Perhaps, the person we value never feel the same level of comfort and sympathy and prefers other associates. We will just have to accept that.

So here I sit, thinking, about the connection that fell apart, about the friendship that lost with time, with abandonment. I try not to confuse sadness with loneliness, emptiness with regrets. Because there are reasons why things happened.

I miss those moments. I miss the conversation. I miss everything, because it was the only time I go out from my cocoon and chose someone to establish a stable connection. The only time I tried to break rules and made effort to initiate a private communication. But it didn't go along. It didn't go that far. The momentum wasn't sustain. It just stops so abruptly. But then no more time to grieve because people do have choices. They stay connected with those they feel worthy and stay away from those they don't feel associating with. And we must respect that.

So here I am, sitting at the edge of my bed, thinking about the lost connection, about what went wrong, about why things fell apart. Thinking hard about what could have been, about the place we never fully arrived.

But then life is a series of events and patterns of emotions that must be understood. It's a journey at the same time a destination. While enjoying the journey, we are fully aware we will arrive in a certain destination only God knows. Perhaps, the connection already arrives in a destination that never sees of continuing.

Thank you for the journey. It was a happy one. Perhaps, I meant to continue my journey alone.

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