I've Never Felt So Alone

Hitting rockbottom again.

When I am on the edge of everything and no one seems to go with or to talk with or even hear my voice, my only resort is to spit everything in my blog and unload my pain to be relieved and get rid the pressure off my head.

This is my sanctuary, my repository of sordid emotions and torment where I can freely talk without being judged. I always seek comfort here when things going tough.

I just want to spit things out to discard the angst that is slowly crippling my senses now. It's downhill deep inside. Like I've just hobbled down the track of pins and terribly wounded but could not pick up myself. All I could see is a pattern of dark shades, a thorny road and a blank space. And no one there to hold my hand. 

I used to live a life of solitude. I lived alone for the most part of my adult life. I used to keeping things to myself. But now, I could feel the thorny grip of a solitary life gradually tearing me apart. It's bloody dreary. The grip is so tight it pierces down to my skin like a hot needle, so much so that I could feel my body searing in pain as though it was thrown into an open fire. 

I figured, when we are all alone and going through a lot of wretchedness in life and there's no one to turn to or even listen to our story or hear our voice, the pain just kept swirling somewhere inside our heart like a wild tempest.  Shredding the fiber of our skin into tiny pieces.

The feeling of torment is creeping terribly down to my ribcage now. Yes it does, and for more than six hours, it felt like I was being punished to stand under the hot sun, enduring the blistering heat.

Just this early morning things turned out pretty bad. Worst perhaps. Something I have never expected to happen, at least in an environment I blindingly believed a secured surrounding where a high level of security is provided.

After all, this company is taking pride itself as exceptional in all aspect, committed to provide its clients with a prodigious security that even bringing electronic devices inside the production area is extremely prohibited. Goddamn!

That is a big lie! This company's policy is bloody pretentious, irrationally hostile and greed. A one sided affair favoring their business interest only while their manpower is bleeding with discomfort, restricted only to follow whatever they wish. As though we are bloody machines.

It does not manifest their so-called excellent business principles. The level of security they provided to their environment is a sick joke. A horrendous pretension that only served their greedy business intentions. Sick, egotistical people! 

What happened after then was a terribly agonizing situation where things were just handled as though I just spilled a cup of milk to their carpet. Wipe it and gone. Such a horrible security protocol that even a mediocre mind could not fathom. Why can't these jerks just don't improve their insane security services when there have been similar cases happened in recent months? Ghastly!

They are just trying to throw the stone back to the victims as though we are dumb and the unfortunate circumstances were entirely our fault. And how about on the aspect of protection if safety is being challenged? Is it not part of the protocol? Are they expecting of seeing a bed of roses always under their watch? Bloody insane!

Whoever to be blamed, whatever the lapses of security, this workplace is infinitely dreadful and undesirable to be called second home. And the way the incompetent security responded to the crisis is hideously horrific. If I would spill the beans of these rotten policies it would be down the hell for both of us. There was no even assurance of anything positive. Rob with my trust, I could not believe I am in an awful working place with a very careless, incautious security.

My breath had been labored since this morning. But I had to compose myself because I still have work to do. Outside, I was a picture of calmness. I held my tears. I suppressed whatever anger, defeat, remorse raging inside my body. I should not let myself down because I still have a long day. My shift just have started.

So my vigor did not wane. I still managed to laugh, responded to the conversation and getting cozy with everybody there. But no one see me the way I supposed to be seen. Inside I was breaking. Like a dark shadow slowly rolling to the wilderness of agony, the feeling of torment was creeping painfully to my soul. 

When stuff like this hits the horizon, I just want to make the most out of the situation by covering whatever dejection my system has been wrestling. I want to be with people. I mean real people who could help ease the distress and the feeling of torment.

Then temporarily forget every ugly circumstance by getting involved with everybody. I figured, I just want to be surrounded with friends, acquaintances or whoever is there to help me get through the day. 

But my life is always a story of misery and reclusiveness, confined in a state of distress and gloom, forever trapped in isolation and eternally cramped in a small, miserable world of solitude. Once again, I was all alone absorbing the sting of distress.

Over the years, I tried to build my self-confidence, forcing myself to get comfortable with acquaintances but my effort is always unsuccessful. So while crying bitterly for my life in the comfort room before returning to the production floor, I resolved to crawl back to my lonely shelf.

Alone. Abandon. Unwanted. Downtrodden. Perhaps this is how my life is designed. Perhaps this is  how my journey is mapped to bring me wherever God wants me to grow as a person. Unfortunate circumstances are being dished out to teach me a lesson. In a harder way. Wherever this road leads me, I can only pray for a stabilize endurance to get the journey going without breaking.

Life sucks. And disappointment kills. When you have a bad day you thought stars were not perfectly aligned. You thought everyone in the environment is rejecting you. And that it rained each day of the week and you've burnt every meal you have cooked. But I know this is not going to be like this everyday.

Tomorrow is another day. Another chance to reconstruct my lost dreams, my life plans. Another day to purport hope.  Another opportunity to unearth my real value, my strength, my shining moments.

Tomorrow, I know things will get better. By then I can understand God's message why depressing circumstances needed to occur. Why I need to suffer. Do I deserve all of this?

For once, I believe, things happen for a reason. In the coming days, I hope I could see some bright sparks amidst all these dark hues. And fully understood why agonizing moments needed to take place.

Until then.

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