A-Not-So-Happy Birthday

Today is my birthday. 

But instead of manifesting a rosy disposition, I sank into mayhem. Wondering why there seems to be an endless story of rejections and an overflowing stream of complications hovering in my horizon right now. This question "Where did I go wrong with my life plans?" has been all too present in my diary and I am sick and tired of it.

Failures after failures and rejections after rejections, it seems I could not find my rhythm how to keep my balance and lift up myself from adversities. As if something somewhere is always wrong and I ended up watching myself bowed to defeat. Heaven! What's going on with my life!

I am undergoing rejections of all sorts. No one wants to take me in or at least give me an opportunity to prove my worth. I felt so useless that I often spent the whole night in tears. What's wrong with me?? I've been brought up to always be on top and grew up very competitive but why I ended up in the basement of life? 

Although failures and disappointments have been part of human existence and people are set to endure all kinds of sufferings, my share of all these nuisances and frustrations has been overshooting the limit that my self-confidence is slowly disintegrating. I am on the brink of giving up. God forbids!

But then again, I have no reason to ask God why because He knows what's best for everyone. Everything happens for a reason. and His plans are better than mine. All I need to do now is hold on to my faith and look on the brighter side of life.

So I am recoiling in my station, trying to analyze the torrent of setbacks that's been gushing in my path, scrutinizing why things got out of hand, why I can't seem to find my momentum to get things going or why the flow of failures and rejections seems unstoppable.

I know that quitting on my dreams is the most insane idea so I need to be strong to endure all these mishaps. I also keep reminding myself that failures are temporary, it's not going to be like this everyday. One of these days, things change, the story of my life will change and I will see a gleam of light filtering through the chinks of this dark room I am currently in.

You know when failures and rejections of all sorts hit, it really hits big time and it takes a stronger heart or a different level of maturity to overcome these horrific trepidation. I know it's not yet the end of the world and I am not experiencing a quarter life crisis. I just need enough time to figure out what's the best option to formulate to overcome this barrage of failures.

What I appreciate about my maturity is my ability to adjust with the cruelty of time, with the hostility of the environment. I know discrimination is everywhere. It is massive. On age, race, roots, status, background, and I've been undergoing it which crashes my spirit but nothing will happen in my life if I will let myself succumb to self-pity.

People or even the whole world will discredit me or mock my capacity, but at the end of the day, it's still me who can control my life, so I'll steer it to where I need to grow as an individual. According to the principles of life, people are destined to experience a major setback once in a lifetime because life is a balance between sadness and happiness, failure and success, disappointment and contentment. How to endure it, will determine the person's toughness, emotional maturity and ability to cope up with life's dark ordeal.

I am tough and mature enough to overcome all these major setbacks. There's no such thing as too late or too old to begin something great. Everyone can make a  new beginning at any point in life. Age, race, roots, background, status never matter in the end, they have nothing to do with one's capacity to excel and make a big splash in life. What matters is the correct mindset and determination to make things happen.

So I am spending my birthday today in intense contemplation and self-evaluation how to get back on track with my plans. I need to stop grieving over lost opportunities or why such and such rejected me or why it seems no one wants to take me in. I resolve to just dismiss each blunder as a wake up call to improve my craft and keep myself better. Now, I began viewing those rejections and failures as tools to keep me grounded. 

Life has been very generous. Despite all the slip-ups that I've been experiencing the past years, I am very grateful that God has given me enough wisdom to broaden my horizon and remain optimistic. It keeps me more resilient and determined.

As the night falls, I am thanking God for giving me another year to live, to see the beauty of the world and appreciate His goodness and generosity, for giving me another chance to realize my goals, another opportunity to rebuild my lost hope and dreams and keep moving. 

Someday, my life story will flow into a nicer plot. Someday, everything will tilt into the right direction and the world will smile at me. Thank you dear God for another lease of life and for keeping me safe and healthy everyday. 

I am up for super big things this year, I am claiming it now. and I know it won't take long, I am trusting God's master plan because His time is always perfect.