What Terrifies Me?

It’s not about drug addicts or earthquakes or deadly virus that haunted me now. It’s all about life’s double-edged sword.

Or so I thought.

In reality somehow, everyone has to face a double-edged sword circumstance at a certain point, to sort out things and to know what lies ahead to find balance. It is a good test also to see who will stick around. 

Roadblock is inevitable but it is through a state of tribulation that everyone can see the value of taking risks and identify which battle is worth fighting for.

Been through a lot of things lately.

Nothing serious, just thoughts of what’s coming ahead. And things that I have lost along the way. Lost in the sense that, life sometimes takes its own course and flow to where it wants to drift. And no matter how I wanted to hold on, it eventually slipped away and gushed to a different direction. Life is always like that. Sometimes smooth, at times bumpy.

So here I am, in the middle of the night wondering and pondering about the things that lost with time. Pondering on wasted connections. Friendships that gone sour. Acquaintances that did not progress to close contacts. Hopes that fell apart. 

For a moment, I thought the problem is skin deep.

Perhaps I am ugly, undesirable, unattractive, could not fit in on someone's fantasy of an ideal girl, that's why no one wants to take me in, no one wants to talk or get associated with me. I am not good at anything. 

I thought my greatest fear is not being able feel appreciated or wanted or loved or have children. But I guess it's someone's deliberate rejection that cut me deep. It's depressing. The feeling of being ignored hurts me more than the words uttered. 

I've always wanted to get attached, form a great bond, and establish a close connection with someone I love to be with, and very comfortable talking with. But I was not given a chance, always, to experience that. Someone is running away. Perhaps, I did not fit in over that person's fantasy.

My eagerness to talk and share things about life to someone makes me look like an eager pony on her first stomp at the carriage. Silly and trying hard and dumb. But eagerness, life taught me, does not always begets enthusiasm, nor any guarantees of compassion. 

It could be unrequited and the consequences can be petrifying. For someone on the first try, like an eager pony, it can be terrifying. It left a deep wound in my self-esteem.

But discernment can be liberating. It frees me from being scared to try again, to hope again. It helps me understand that things happened for a reason. It made me realized that the universe is vast and everyone wants to take its own place and look and find its own choice.

Each moment when I am on the brink of crying due to failed hopes and hurtful rejection, discernment lifts my spirit to feel better, to see things in the right perspective.

So I make it a habit to discern and take things slow. And in deep solitude I always find time to pray. Making things happen with my dreams. Thinking how to re-map my life’s goals. About where I should go, what path to follow, which direction to take, where in the universe I should put myself to thrive to a person I always envisioned to be.

Pretty hard stuff. Or was it?

I guess it's not. I am still not on the borderline of personal troubles. It is just that life is not all about sweet-scented blooms and gorgeous sunrise, it is all about getting things into our hands and take a balance between emotions and logic. And all the crazy things that life is dishing us.

At times, we need to face life's qualms and unfairness as we hit rock bottom, then another moment we are elated, delighted towards something. Because life is an uphill climb. The journey to the top can be a strenuous one but the view from the summit is always beautiful and terrific. So much so that one might end up exclaiming, “it's worth the trek!”

Life is all about striking a good balance between ups and downs, highs and lows, happiness and sadness, emptiness and fullness. In-between is always a grace to live by. It is the reality of adulting. Gotta face everything that life has to offer and sort out things carefully to clear the right path.

I am on some serious discernment process lately. Having to ponder what to do with my life at this stage, how to strike a good balance between dreams and hopes, ambitions and affections, and how to fully accept the circumstances that surround me. 

In life, I am in the middle of my journey, almost reaching the intersection of life, but still tentative with my steps, and out of the field, I have to take frequent stopovers to see where I should be heading. As though there are always two options to choose, which complicate everything.

Terrible thoughts. Always complicated in some aspects. Sometimes I feel very empty and longed to have that one person who could lit up the dark corners where I constantly crept in. Sometimes I feel contented being alone, delighted with the fact that I can handle my life in full blast, full of confidence and wisdom to wind off the roadblocks along the way.

But it's not how things looked right now. Things are scary. Thoughts are hazy. Options are blurry. Choices are scarce. And each of it baffles me. I might end up empty-handed. And it can be more frightening. Leaving without any options terrifies me.

I am between landmarks. And with it, comes potholes.Where should I go? Where should I fit in? Do I need to walk straight ahead, without looking around or stop by, delay my journey once more, peep at the corners, stare at people's faces, smile at everyone, wander around and look at every leaf that falls to the ground.

It is not on waiting for something or looking at options that makes life a little messy and complicated, it's on getting empty-handed and left nothing to choose that spill the real deal. Leaving with no choice but to go ahead is what terrifies me.

At this point, I am still struggling to accept the fact that I am being handed with an unlikely destiny, though not totally empty, but seems blurry. And it is frightening out there. I might be sailing into the sunset of my life alone, I might get old without any children, I might be rocking the chair alone to the old age. It terrifies me to embrace it fully.

But I should not be who I am today if not all about those circumstances that laid upon me. Perhaps, I should not be as well-rounded as today if not all about those roadblocks and rock bottoms that hit my journey. 

Perhaps, life is bigger out there and I am destined to be something else. And all these complicated stopovers are ways that will lead me to a great place where I should thrive as a person.

Still, half of my brain refused to accept what is being shown in my journey because I want something else. I want something that has been in my mind for so long. I want something that follows the map of my life I am trying to envision. 

The thought of not fulfilling it gives me a chill in the spine. What life would look like towards the end of the intersection if I would not get it?

The thought is even more terrifying.