I Miss the Conversation. But I Understand Why We Stop Talking


The connection I lost.

It still crossed in my mind. Fresh, like dewdrops. But like the faded summer sky when the sunset dips below the horizon, I have to watch it disappeared with sadness.

Often times in a day, when emptiness takes over, I would think about those moments and how it once gave me so much excitement in a day and how it improved my self-confidence. 

Moments where I felt I am living a different thrill of excitement, where I felt I am truly human for having that one person who cares to listen to my thoughts. The connection helped me conquered my fears of talking to opposite sex

But moments, I found out, are temporary. Some good things never last. As I watched it fell apart, I forced to drift back to seclusion. I'm alone again with no one to talk to. 

It's quite dark in my small world but I need to find my own light to see how I would radiate being alone with myself. Still, I missed something.

Maybe it's the conversation. Maybe it's  the presence. Maybe it's the joy I felt of knowing there's someone I could run to when I feel I need to share thoughts. Someone who's ready to listen, who could understand my innermost self. 

Maybe I missed how things were used to be. How things evolved in a day where I feel I'm in my happiest state. Maybe I missed the possibility of a lasting connection and the thought of places we have never fully arrived.

It's baffling how things take a sudden turn. One moment, that person is the only human being I could think about who could keep me alive with words. The next, that person became someone I barely know.

It was so beautiful then. I felt I was truly alive and in a happy place. I felt I had truly conquer my fear, my life in an empty road. Because there was this person whom I feel at home, whom I feel so comfortable. 

But it did not last long. 

Until silence took over and consumed the energy. Then the drifting. The abandonment. The apathy. Hesitation crept in, pushing us far away. Cutting off the rope I grappled so hard to stay connected.

Perhaps there are tons of reasons why it needed to happen, why we are no longer talking. I finally understand it now. I understand why we stop talking.

Choices and priorities. Everyone has it. Everyone has a choice who they want to share moments with. Priorities who they want to be with. Nothing I can do about it. 

Yet when sadness takes over my day, or when I need to talk and have some great moments to share, I would think about the lost connection. How I miss everything about it. 

Sometimes I think of reconnecting, and ask how things going on with you. But I realized you are on a different path now. You chose to stay away. 

So I let the thoughts go.

I still wonder why it ended, why it fell apart. But I had to stop analyzing things. Because there's no point. You decided to drift away. You never cared anyway, you never welcomed me to be part of your circle, you've never put the thought of it, you never liked me to stay close. You keep on pushing me away. 

We did not save anything from that connection. We let the boat sink. We let it flowed away, to the hole of wasted encounters. But perhaps, it has reasons.

I know in the end, it does not really matter what have happened. Why it ended. I'm just grateful to know you at one point in my lifetime journey. 

I wish you nothing but sound living. I hope you have fully recovered and back in good shape.

Someday, things will make sense.


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