4:00 AM, 25 June 2017
Sleep seems an impossible task. So I
got up from the bed and seated near the window, breathing erratically, trying to make sense
with the things that had just unfolded. Staring into the blank space, I wonder why
I needed to mope over things that seem so totally pointless to rebut.
As the dawn of Sunday breaks in, I
began to wonder why I started seeing some pattern of dark spaces again. Like
those passing layers of obscurity that seem to hover in the air when the mind
is drifting somewhere. And those bubbles of desolation that seem to burst up in
the horizon when the body is overwhelmed with despair. Prickly and smothering.
The familiar questions of confronting
myself with so many whys start to build up in my thoughts. Why matter transpires
in ways I never thought would happen? Why good things never last? Why somewhere
beneath my ribcage something felt so heavier each second?
Over and over again, the same story of
rejection haunts my mind like a restless ghost, as though I am destined to
suffer defeat all the time. I know I’ve grown up enough to understand the
intricacies of life, but things can be so tough to absorb at times that when it
hits unexpectedly, you’re totally blown up.
My little world has always been
isolated, making my journey in life quite remote. I drink emptiness every
morning like people taking their regular coffee. And for so long, I lived my
life almost in total seclusion, with my door remained close. I refused to open
up because no one understands me anyway. So, I traversed life alone without
someone’s arm to support me when I fall down to my knees.
But time rolls in. And my definition of
survival is no longer plausible. I know it. So adaptability to a harsh society
becomes a necessity then. I made some fine-tuning with my approach in life
though. I’ve tried. Yes.
Over the past months, I tried stepping
out of my secluded shelter. I started seeing people through the lens of
flexibility. Eventually, I learned to relate. I laughed with them. I started
looking at my surroundings the way it
supposed to be seen. The way it supposed to be understood. Finally, I
saw the other side of the world I never thought ever existed.
Little by little, I began to feel
comfortable with what is being there and who are there. Time becomes precious.
And moments become invigorating. A whole new world opens up. And life seems
completely different. More thrilling, more brilliant. A great anticipation
about the future emerges.
Suddenly, I become a new person with a
unique vitality. Motivated and elated, as though this vast planet is a gorgeous
circle of wonders that’s so full of amazing things and remarkable people. I am
at my most calmest. A thrill of joy starts teeming up, excitement seems
everywhere. A pang of satisfaction is lurking underneath. As if a unique
brand of magic engulfs the entire universe, including my own little, damp
world.
But some good things never last. One day,
things turned out pretty ugly. Lovely flowers suddenly withered, the beautiful
horizon became dull and misty and the once vibrant blue sky turned somber.
Eventually, my little world became shaky again. Overcast and uncertain.
Now, I feel like I am drifting apart, edging
away, to a point of nowhere. I hate seeing dark layers of obscurity. But things
happen. It keeps repeating. Then an inevitable consequence transpires, I am
slowly crawling back to my old shelter, something I utterly detested. Darn!
But things sometimes occur the way we never
thought would unfold. Maybe that’s the vagueness of life. To be haunted by
stuff beyond our control. And we must prepare to embrace its downside. Because
that’s what life is all about.
I’m alone again, agonizing over the lost
connection. Now, it feels like I am slowly drowning with the swarming brook of
solitude. With no one to pull me up. No one to understand my oddness.
Looking at the trail of my journey, I
wondered why I kept moving back to square one. Why things in my surroundings
would not just bend to my longings. Why I remained so empty after trying hard
to fit in to somebody’s world. Why I could not move forward? Did I overestimate
my plan? Or I am just rushing into things.
Nonetheless, I already come to a point where
discomfort towards a hazy future no longer scares me. I should learn to adjust.
And clever enough to accept the notion of reality. I should accept thing as it
is. And just find some bright spot among the dark hues. Today, might be bad,
tomorrow might get worst. But the next day will surely look different. It does
not have to be like this all the time.
Life has to move on. It could never get easy
as things progress, but it has to move on. I figured, at times, we refuse to
peep at the cracks where sunlight filters because we want big windows to see
the whole sunshine. We keep on looking for something that’s not been there. And
waiting for something that will no longer return and will never happen. It’s
time to look at the bright cracks where sunlight filters beautifully with so
many shades. Varied shades that manifest optimism. And hope.
Life does not end in misery. Or in rejection.
Or in failure and defeat. It’s a continuous quest. It continues to rotate. No
matter how terrible the circumstances. And beyond the ugly trimming of
desolation, there’s a point of great anticipation that awaits. Tomorrow, things
will look different.
I always believed that circumstances often
bring us to where we should start cultivating our strength and self-worth. To where
we should start growing as a person. Things change, our environment demands
change. So we should learn how to be flexible with the call of times.
But why I am still emotional? Why I am still
acting as if I lost something very precious somewhere?
I figured, maybe because the little world I
built up with the people I used to relate with starts to disintegrate. And it
felt like I’ve lost something very precious along the way. I’ve lost something
that’s been so very important. And already part of my mundane life. And I find
it very hard to re-adjust. My horse mentality (too focus on a single direction)
made it more difficult for me to adopt the sudden switch. But I should learn
how to bend. I need to. No matter how difficult it is.
After moments of contemplation and shedding
tears, I’ve finally recognized the fact that in life we can’t have both. If one
is given, another one is taken. And believed that life is not just about
trappings and routines, but also about how we appreciate things around, and how
we align it with our concept of living beautifully. We cannot change the
rotation of the earth nor the movement of the environment. We cannot recreate
the history of time and rewrite our destiny. But we can have a new beginning. A
fresh start. A positive disposition. There’s no such thing as too late. Everyone
can start at any point. Somewhere.
Life is a game, I will just play it tougher
this time. If there are lessons I've learned from this journey, it's the
essence of patience, determination and humility. Everything happens in time
that God chooses. Maybe this life, this current pattern of my life is where God
wants me to be. Where He wants me to grow as a person. So, I’ll just follow the
trail and considered it as a grace to live by. After all, God’s plans are
better than mine. And His time is always perfect.
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