Hazy

4:00 AM, 25 June 2017

Sleep seems an impossible task. So I got up from the bed and seated near the window, breathing erratically, trying to make sense with the things that had just unfolded. Staring into the blank space, I wonder why I needed to mope over things that seem so totally pointless to rebut.

As the dawn of Sunday breaks in, I began to wonder why I started seeing some pattern of dark spaces again. Like those passing layers of obscurity that seem to hover in the air when the mind is drifting somewhere. And those bubbles of desolation that seem to burst up in the horizon when the body is overwhelmed with despair. Prickly and smothering.

The familiar questions of confronting myself with so many whys start to build up in my thoughts. Why matter transpires in ways I never thought would happen? Why good things never last? Why somewhere beneath my ribcage something felt so heavier each second?

Over and over again, the same story of rejection haunts my mind like a restless ghost, as though I am destined to suffer defeat all the time. I know I’ve grown up enough to understand the intricacies of life, but things can be so tough to absorb at times that when it hits unexpectedly, you’re totally blown up.

My little world has always been isolated, making my journey in life quite remote. I drink emptiness every morning like people taking their regular coffee. And for so long, I lived my life almost in total seclusion, with my door remained close. I refused to open up because no one understands me anyway. So, I traversed life alone without someone’s arm to support me when I fall down to my knees.

But time rolls in. And my definition of survival is no longer plausible. I know it. So adaptability to a harsh society becomes a necessity then. I made some fine-tuning with my approach in life though. I’ve tried. Yes.

Over the past months, I tried stepping out of my secluded shelter. I started seeing people through the lens of flexibility. Eventually, I learned to relate. I laughed with them. I started looking at my surroundings the way it  supposed to be seen. The way it supposed to be understood. Finally, I saw the other side of the world I never thought ever existed.

Little by little, I began to feel comfortable with what is being there and who are there. Time becomes precious. And moments become invigorating. A whole new world opens up. And life seems completely different. More thrilling, more brilliant. A great anticipation about the future emerges.

Suddenly, I become a new person with a unique vitality. Motivated and elated, as though this vast planet is a gorgeous circle of wonders that’s so full of amazing things and remarkable people. I am at my most calmest. A thrill of joy starts teeming up, excitement seems everywhere. A pang of satisfaction is lurking underneath. As if a unique brand of magic engulfs the entire universe, including my own little, damp world. 

But some good things never last. One day, things turned out pretty ugly. Lovely flowers suddenly withered, the beautiful horizon became dull and misty and the once vibrant blue sky turned somber. Eventually, my little world became shaky again. Overcast and uncertain.

Now, I feel like I am drifting apart, edging away, to a point of nowhere. I hate seeing dark layers of obscurity. But things happen. It keeps repeating. Then an inevitable consequence transpires, I am slowly crawling back to my old shelter, something I utterly detested. Darn!

But things sometimes occur the way we never thought would unfold. Maybe that’s the vagueness of life. To be haunted by stuff beyond our control. And we must prepare to embrace its downside. Because that’s what life is all about.

I’m alone again, agonizing over the lost connection. Now, it feels like I am slowly drowning with the swarming brook of solitude. With no one to pull me up. No one to understand my oddness.

Looking at the trail of my journey, I wondered why I kept moving back to square one. Why things in my surroundings would not just bend to my longings. Why I remained so empty after trying hard to fit in to somebody’s world. Why I could not move forward? Did I overestimate my plan? Or I am just rushing into things.

Nonetheless, I already come to a point where discomfort towards a hazy future no longer scares me. I should learn to adjust. And clever enough to accept the notion of reality. I should accept thing as it is. And just find some bright spot among the dark hues. Today, might be bad, tomorrow might get worst. But the next day will surely look different. It does not have to be like this all the time.

Life has to move on. It could never get easy as things progress, but it has to move on. I figured, at times, we refuse to peep at the cracks where sunlight filters because we want big windows to see the whole sunshine. We keep on looking for something that’s not been there. And waiting for something that will no longer return and will never happen. It’s time to look at the bright cracks where sunlight filters beautifully with so many shades. Varied shades that manifest optimism. And hope.

Life does not end in misery. Or in rejection. Or in failure and defeat. It’s a continuous quest. It continues to rotate. No matter how terrible the circumstances. And beyond the ugly trimming of desolation, there’s a point of great anticipation that awaits. Tomorrow, things will look different.

I always believed that circumstances often bring us to where we should start cultivating our strength and self-worth. To where we should start growing as a person. Things change, our environment demands change. So we should learn how to be flexible with the call of times.

But why I am still emotional? Why I am still acting as if I lost something very precious somewhere?

I figured, maybe because the little world I built up with the people I used to relate with starts to disintegrate. And it felt like I’ve lost something very precious along the way. I’ve lost something that’s been so very important. And already part of my mundane life. And I find it very hard to re-adjust. My horse mentality (too focus on a single direction) made it more difficult for me to adopt the sudden switch. But I should learn how to bend. I need to. No matter how difficult it is.

After moments of contemplation and shedding tears, I’ve finally recognized the fact that in life we can’t have both. If one is given, another one is taken. And believed that life is not just about trappings and routines, but also about how we appreciate things around, and how we align it with our concept of living beautifully. We cannot change the rotation of the earth nor the movement of the environment. We cannot recreate the history of time and rewrite our destiny. But we can have a new beginning. A fresh start. A positive disposition. There’s no such thing as too late. Everyone can start at any point. Somewhere.

Life is a game, I will just play it tougher this time. If there are lessons I've learned from this journey, it's the essence of patience, determination and humility. Everything happens in time that God chooses. Maybe this life, this current pattern of my life is where God wants me to be. Where He wants me to grow as a person. So, I’ll just follow the trail and considered it as a grace to live by. After all, God’s plans are better than mine. And His time is always perfect.