Someday, I know I can find answers....

“Though sorrow may impede my heart, 
It is of great love to have known you.” 

Finally it's weekend, the only period where I could truly feel I'm totally human, no deadlines to scramble, no complicated rules to grasp, no anxieties to absorb. Freedom is all over the place and I have plenty of time to think about everything in my environment, about my life, about where I am heading.

But this weekend is not so much of joy, as if some degree of happiness is slowly slipping, I don't know what it is but as the moment progresses, it feels like a terrible pain is gushing beneath my system and my little world feels like crumbling and I wanted to cry.

What is it again God? Why it feels as though life is treating me so badly again?

Whether I am disappointed towards something or enduring a silent heartache I am not certain and I don't have a clear answer because it has no roots or whatever and I cannot figure out where it started because it suddenly springs out from nowhere.

Am I started to care about someone but frustrated because it appears like I am dragging myself again in the wrong footing of assumption? And there's a good chance, I will be traversing again in the road of dejection. But life is a journey and somewhere along this journey, pain, hurts and dejection are bound to happen.

Hope...hopeless, whatever it is...but when life seems pushing me to the edge of the wall, hope is always a fascinating word to clinch, because it reminds me that beyond the darkest horizon, there's always a good reason to smile, to celebrate life. Sometimes when the environment is a little bit crazy and things become too noisy, anticipating a beautiful tomorrow seems to be the only tool to survive a sordid day.

I can be a total idiot at times, you know that naive cretin who never know exactly how to draw a line between logic and emotion, inching way beyond what reality provides. It often brings disaster emotionally. I've been through with it and I find it quite tiring. But don't get me wrong, I have never been into a relationship all my life not even a date, but there were instances in the past that I cared a lot but ended in rejection. It was a kind of pain that I would never want to experience again.

I often left wondering then if there was something wrong with myself, or if my face was badly distorted. I felt my life crumpled into pieces. But those were the days, I was able to discard those self-defeating thoughts about myself and able to move on with my life. Never did I imagine I would be tramping in the same road again...

Well, the trouble lies on too much expectation maybe, so much so that everything always ended up on the wrong side of the road. It's bloody painful. And there's nothing cute about heartaches. But pain is not bad. God designs everything, even frustrations and disappointments, to teach us a lesson and make us a better person.

But it appears as though I am forever in search of meaning, forever trap in whatever puzzle that shrouded my existence, as if I am eternally walking in a troubled maze, criss-crossing the intersection that has no end, don't know exactly where the route would take me.

Battling rejection, enduring pain for wanting something that could never be given, forever stuck in a certain belief that I am not good at anything and I am not good for anyone, nobody wants me and that someone I always wanted is like a shooting star, too difficult to catch and maybe it would take another generation before I could catch one.

I figured, the reason why I am wedging in the corner of desolation is maybe because I speculate too much, and well, according to one poet, speculation is like staring at the sun, you know the sun is there but you cannot see a thing. And the story is always like that, even after so many contemplation, I cannot see a thing.

And thoroughly, my illusion again pushes me to the seashore of pain where starfishes are meant to die...

The story of life is not all about those splendid, rosy things, it's not all about the sweet aroma of a beautiful morning when papayas are in bloom, it's not all about happiness, excitement and thrill, it's not all about those inspiring moments when someone compliments our gorgeous dress or fantastic hair style, it's also about sadness, failure and pain, to see the other side of the story and find our balance, to figure out what road to take and what decision to make.

We all have bad days, we often hit rock bottom, but it's a normal process and there's nothing to fret on because we're alive, we continue to relate with other humans, and for as long as we are relating and in search of meaning, we will encounter failure and disappointment along the way, but it's also through this cycle that we often find honest answers to what we have been looking for.

I am emotionally mature already, fully understand that life has its ups and downs, and people do have choices that must be respected. As the sun goes down, another dawn is breaking. Tomorrow is another day....

And somewhere beyond the gloomy horizon, a shimmering light of a beautiful sunshine peeks reminding me that everyday brings hope...and the cycle of life continues...

Someday, I can find answers to every question that is fidgeting in my mind now, someday, I know God will hear all my longings and will make things happen. Someday, I know there's still someone, somewhere in this world, who could truly see my value.

Someday...I would no longer see starfishes dying in the seashore...and I am looking forward to see that day...Until then...

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