Finding the Right Way

Finding the right way is such an agonizing job, because you'll be forced to face your own limitations and emotional battles in order to unveil the strength and capabilities from deep within and recognized the right road that God prepared. 

It was not an easy road, but I managed to pluck some courage from my faith.

ON the 18th day of December, less than seven hours from the heated encounter, I woke up very early for the third Misa de Gallo, the sting of heartache was still clinging in my body but I forced myself to concentrate on the mass asking God to soothe my troubled spirit. I frequently asked forgiveness and begged to lift anger and bitterness from my heart. 

It was a bright Friday morning and while on our way to the reach-out activity at St. John’s parish, sponsoring a baptism of more than 40 less privileged children, I’d realized I cannot gain from remorse, so I decided to unload the emotional baggage I was carrying.

And the most unbelievable realization happened. After the reach-out, it seemed God patted my back, it feels like someone had touched my heart.

I was surprised how my mind quickly accepted my defeat, it seemed every pain I suffered vanished, and it feels like I am completely healed. There’s no point anymore to cry, to get hurt, to feel rejected and to feel devastated. 

There’s nothing I can do to fix the damage, everything won’t be back to normal so, in order for me to be totally relieved, I must acknowledged pain, anger and bitterness to go on the process of healing. It was very mysterious but it seemed God is on my side helping me realized that life never ended in misery and sufferings that there’s more into it.

I struggled to get back on my feet, cleared my vision and started appreciating important things I neglected.  Eventually I came out feeling renewed and recharged, it feels like I am a new person again.

For so long I was trapped in a stupid belief that our feeling is mutual, analyzing this greatest deception, I wondered why it took almost three years for me to realize my foolishness, but I am glad it finally ended to spare me from further humiliation. 

I believed that everything in life comes with a purpose, the pain I suffered is a realization that every time we express unconditional love, we must prepare its terrifying consequences, because the outcome might be surprising, away from what we’ve been expecting, but it’s always part of the package of loving, part of the great mystery of life. I should be thankful that circumstances allowed me to feel a love so pure, so true, so genuine, at one point.

There’s nothing I can do anymore to reconstruct my face to become a model or to appear in number of photographs with dangling earrings, or wear silly make-ups and despicable dresses, or spend everyday of my life in parties and socialization with creepy people, or go back again to college and took a high class degree. But I can reinvent myself the way I want it to be, the way God wants me to be and I don’t need to act in such a way that other people expected me to be.

Though everything seems different now, and I will no longer there when he needed something, I will never hate him for the pain and humiliation I suffered. 

I don’t want to burn bridges with him, after all, he is a very good friend and I don’t want to trash the eleven years of friendship just for a silly reason that he did not choose me. He is just a human being who deserved to be happy with his choices.

Life can be so tough sometimes, but the most important thing is that I recognized my worth before depression ruined every dream I am capable of building. 

It was a nice experience, because it helps me identify what things to be discarded and what things to be kept. I am ready now to sail my boat to the ocean of hope and very confident I can arrived at the shore of my dreams unscathed.

"Do not be Afraid to Love, even if humiliation comes, pain comes, suffering comes. We are children of GOD, we are created for a purpose, that is to love and be loved"--Mother Theresa

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